Thursday, May 21, 2015

What a week, what a week

It has got to Thursday, and let me say, I do not need another week as draining as this last one.
I don't want this blog to become all about my kidney disease but at the moment this bloody thing which has really been pretty much dormant for nine years is making itself felt.

I've been worn out by the fallout from resigning from work: talking, talking, talking to other staff and volunteers, particularly at an event yesterday when it was announced and a speech made and flowers and a plaque etc. Lovely, embarrassing, kind.... All the things.

Then there was a massive "think tank" whiteboards, and future directions planning meeting because my job share partner is retiring for good pretty much on my heels, and since she's been in the job for 19 years and me for 12 there is going to be a lot of handover to who ever is doing the job in the interim until a new appointment.

Also worn out by the actual disease: breathless, fatigued, no appetite, poor sleep.

Then today, orientation and nearly 3 hours of  talk at a session by my renal hospital. Part two next week. All about the many different sorts of dialysis, talks from patients, nurses, etc. Very, very, informative and useful and making me confront reality. This is real. This is going to happen to me. So many others in the lecture theatre in the same boat. There was a big, generous morning tea, plates and plates of sandwiches and biscuits and I couldn't eat or drink anything. I felt quite nauseated at one point and got those terrible sweats thinking I was going to be sick but the feeling passed. My dearest B drove me there and held my hand, for better or for worse and this feels like some of the worse.

Now I have emptied myself of these impressions I can go and think about dinner and enjoy my evening. I am truly not miserable 95% of the time, but I'm thinking some of the other stuff will inevitably make its way here. Once I leave work I can start my new life but at the moment I seem to be painfully extricating myself from the old life.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

I did not like that Girl on the Train

Margaret Rutherford in Murder she wrote (1957), a much more entertaining Girl on a train story

I have a big pile of library books to read.

 I've even gone and joined another region/ library service so I have thousands upon thousands of books to choose from: I joined there because I was after the first in Laurie R King's Sherlock  Holmes fan fiction type series - it's called The Beekeeper's Apprentice.
There are 14 in that series so I have years of entertainment ahead of me if I like the first!

That one will have to wait until I've read A god in ruins, Kate Atkinson's companion to Life after life, which was a wonderful book. If you've only read her Jackson Brodie detective series, you should branch out and give it a try. Very heart-breaking, be warned.

Latest reads: The girl on the train by Paula Hawkins. Very, very underwhelmed by this book. A good plot twist would have included all the "girls" throwing themselves under one. The narrators are three very unlikeable women, none of whom I cared a jot about.  *****SPOILER***** One of them is murdered, not a big surprise. One of the male character did it: not a surprise either. In fact I guessed it by about page forty. All the women seemed interchangeable so when the narrators changed if I didn't concentrate I didn't know who was speaking. I'm sure the film has already been cast and Cary Mulligan will play the drunk one, Keira Knightley the murdered one and who knows who for the nasty mother of the baby. I already can't remember any character names.

The other books I've read recently have been two James Runcie collections of stories about amateur vicar Sidney Chambers. They were Sidney Chambers and the perils of the night and Sidney Chambers and the problem of evil.

I enjoyed Perils more than I'm enjoying Problem. Sidney is married in this one ( no spoilers), Mrs Maguire has moved out and so has Leonard the curate. I loved those characters and I miss them. There is a new collection about to come out, Sidney Chambers and the forgiveness of sins, so even though I'm not loving them as much now ten years has passed and we're currently in 1963, I'll probably read it anyway.

At some point soon I want to start re-reading The Passage and The Twelve before
 the third installment of  Justin Cronin's vampire saga, The city of mirrors, is released in October. They are huge books with a billion characters - might have to keep notes this time around!

Thursday, May 14, 2015

chilly days and a new sewing machine

Yesterday was FREEZING here. Raining, hail, bitter cold. At one point I looked outside when the sun was shining (briefly) and I swear there was a tiny snow flurry.

I stayed home yesterday, having a Mental Health Day. I officially resigned on Tuesday, which was a relief but also hard. People expect to hear that you are going on to a new job when you resign so to have explain the real reason is tiring and difficult no matter how many times you do it with different people. To see the shock and immediate kindness and compassion on people's faces.... I am getting to be expert at being calm and brave about it all ( on the surface) and most of the time I do feel calm and brave but I expect I'll also be a mess along the way and I hope everyone can deal with that, too.

Anyway, yesterday was very peaceful. S was here from Tasmania for a few days and we had a quiet companionable morning before she left at lunchtime. I did washing, and cleaned out the fridge and we talked and kept warm and cosy inside. In fact I barely stepped outside at all yesterday, just watched the icy blasts come and go. My main problem at the moment is this bone-crushing tiredness I get in the afternoons, mainly after being at work, but sometimes on my days off. If I can't lie down and sleep I will start feeling a bit nauseous. Yesterday because I paced myself I felt good until about 4 p.m., crashed out for about an hour, then got up to heat up some soup for dinner and sort of instruct J and in his girlfriend making banana muffins.

Here are a few wintery garden photos from this morning. The red maples have stolen all the thunder with a great show this year so here are the beautiful yellow birches and Hawthorne for a change.

I nearly forgot to write about the sewing machine. S's went to Tasmania with her so I have been machineless. When I decided to leave work my first impulse was to finally go and buy a machine, which I've been mulling over for a while.

I went to the Doncaster Sewing Machine Centre and  believe me when I tell you this place is like the Ollivander's wand shop ( to use a Harry Potter reference) but of sewing machines. New and many old machines and parts everywhere and very chaotic but an orderly chaos. Graeme who runs the place was incredibly patient and informative, unpacked the machine he recommended and spent 30 minutes giving me a lesson. A couple of people who came in were politely told to come back in half an hour so he could supervise me trying it out. Wonderful customer service.

I must go and get on with the day but just wanted to say thank you so much for the incredibly kind comments left both here and on my insta account. It means a lot to have such kind thoughts sent my way.